We Were Supposed to Be Having More Sex by Now

Let's be honest., GenX, we were promised a lot of things.

We were going to change the world.
We were going to have careers we loved.
We were going to raise emotionally healthy children without becoming our parents.
We were going to age gracefully.

And, apparently, somewhere in there, we were also supposed to be having more sex in really wild places. At least that's what the internet (and Hollywood) keeps telling us. We watched the movies and read the endless articles promising that sex after 40, 50, and 60 can be better than ever. We're told that we're more confident, more comfortable in our bodies, less worried about what other people think, and finally free from the awkwardness of our younger years.

And maybe some of that is true. But nobody seems to have mentioned the other part. Our bodies are changing. Our relationships are changing. Our desire is changing. Sex is a bit more complicated than we’ve been led to believe. And sometimes we're standing in the middle of all of it wondering, “What the hell happened?”

And Then Our Bodies Go and Change the Rules

For some people, aging brings greater sexual confidence and freedom. For others, desire becomes less predictable. Sex may take more time, more intention, more communication—or a completely different definition of what satisfying intimacy looks like.

Perimenopause and menopause can bring changes in hormones, vaginal tissue, sleep, mood, and desire. Men experience changes in sexual functioning, too. Medications, chronic illness, pain, stress, body image, caregiving, relationship conflict, divorce, grief, and the simple accumulation of several decades of life can all show up in the bedroom.

And then there's the relationship itself. Because here's something we don't talk about enough:

You and your partner are aging at the same time, but you aren't necessarily aging in the same way.

One person may be experiencing a dramatic change in desire while the other feels like nothing has changed. One may want more touch while the other has become uncomfortable with physical intimacy. One may be grieving a body or sexual identity that feels different, while the other is trying to figure out how to respond. And sometimes neither person knows how to start the conversation.

So they don't… They just quietly decide that something must be wrong.

“Am I Normal?” Sex, Desire, and Aging

This is one of the questions I hear underneath so many conversations about sex. Is this normal?

Is it normal that I don't think about sex as often? Is it normal that I want sex but my body isn't cooperating? Is it normal that I want affection but don't necessarily want intercourse? Is it normal that my partner seems to want sex more than I do? Is it normal that I suddenly care about sex again after years of not thinking much about it? Is it normal that I don't want sex at all right now?

The answer to many of these questions is: yes. But “normal” doesn't mean you have to ignore it. And it certainly doesn't mean you have to settle for a sex life—or relationship—that isn't working for you.

Maybe the goal isn't “more sex”

Maybe that's the conversation we need to change. Because “more sex” isn't necessarily the goal. More connection might be. More curiosity. More honesty (with yourself and your partner). More comfort in your changing body. More freedom to say what you actually want. More ability to talk about what isn't working without either person feeling broken, or blamed. And '“no” being a rejection of the act of sex and not rejection of the partner.

We have the opportunity to change the goal of sex from orgasm to pleasure. Sometimes that leads to more sex. Sometimes it leads to different sex. Sometimes it leads to discovering that what you've been missing isn't intercourse at all. And sometimes it means having a really honest conversation about whether the sexual relationship you have is one you still want. Those are all legitimate conversations.

Welcome to the Next Chapter of Sex and Aging

I'm particularly interested in what happens to sexuality in midlife and beyond because this is the part nobody really prepared us for. We learned about puberty. We learned about pregnancy. We heard plenty about dating and sex when we were young. But somewhere around 40, the instruction manual disappeared. And yet this can be one of the most significant (and for many, satisfying) transitions in our sexual lives.

Our bodies change. Our relationships change. Our identities change. Our priorities change. And our sexuality gets an invitation to change right along with them. So maybe we weren't supposed to be having more sex by now. Maybe we were supposed to be having better conversations about sex.

That's where I want to start. Because getting older doesn't mean sexuality disappears. It means we get the opportunity to figure out what sexuality means now (and perhaps always has, but we were afraid to truly explore it sooner). And honestly? I think it's about damn time we talked about it.

If this sounds familiar, you don't have to figure it out alone. Changes in desire, intimacy, sexuality, and relationships are common parts of midlife—but “common” doesn't mean you have to simply accept frustration or disconnection. Couples and individuals can learn to talk about these changes, understand what's happening, and create a version of intimacy that works for who they are now.